Nuru massage in Earl’s Court, London

Nuru massage is body-to-body with the brakes taken off. The oil makes way for a clear seaweed gel, warmed, unscented and poured generously over you and over me. The table makes way for a waterproof mat, spread across the floor of my flat in Earl’s Court. What follows is two naked bodies sliding over each other with almost nothing to slow them down, and a good deal more laughter than you’d expect from something this sexy.

What is nuru massage?

The gel is the whole secret. It’s astonishingly slick, it leaves no scent behind, and it stays slippery far longer than oil, so nothing catches and nothing drags. I spread it over both of us, and then the massage is me: my body moving across yours from your shoulders to your ankles and back again, in one long, continuous slide.

That’s also why it happens on the floor. A nuru gel massage on a raised table would be slapstick waiting to happen. On a mat there’s nowhere to fall, and we’re both down at the same level, which changes the mood completely. It feels less like being treated and more like being tangled up.

Nuru gets talked about as a novelty, the slippery one, the one with the mat. It is fun, but there’s more to it. Because the gel spreads your weight and mine so evenly, the touch is total rather than pointed: no single hand, no knuckle, just warm skin everywhere at once. It’s the most full-body thing I do.

How an hour on the nuru mat goes

You shower first, as always, then lie face down on the mat. The first pour of gel is warm and slippery enough to make you laugh out loud, and within a minute you stop trying to hold still, because you can’t.

Then I join you. My thighs glide along the backs of yours, my stomach slides across the small of your back, and I travel up slowly until my cheek is next to yours. The pace is mine: slow, then slower, then one long slide from your ankles to your shoulders that wipes your mind clean. Turning over on a nuru mat is a team effort that nobody manages gracefully, and somebody always ends up laughing. It’s the best icebreaker I know, and it doesn’t last long once we’re face to face.

Cut to: the two of us tangled on the mat, gel to the elbows, nobody in any hurry to stand up.

Afterwards we shower together, long and hot. The gel rinses away under warm water, though it likes to hide behind ears and knees, so take your time. You’ll leave with skin that feels brand new and no trace of anything on your collar.

Why nuru is incall only, and how to get to me

If you were hoping for nuru in your hotel room, I’ll save you the message: none of my massages leave the flat, and nuru least of all. Three reasons:

• The mat. A waterproof mat big enough for two bodies isn’t something I carry across London.
• The gel. It finds every surface it can reach, and a hotel carpet would never forgive either of us.
• The shower. Nuru needs a long, hot shower for two straight afterwards, and mine is ready for it.

So the mat stays at home, in my flat in Earl’s Court, SW5, which is two minutes on foot from the Tube: Earl’s Court station, District and Piccadilly lines. No sign outside, nobody else inside, and the address arrives by text an hour before. Coming over is easy if you’re staying nearby: Gloucester Road is a single Tube stop away, and a hotel in Kensington is roughly eight minutes in a black cab. Visiting me also means you get nuru the way it should be: the mat already laid out, the gel ready and a bathroom with all the hot water two people need. Hotel bathrooms are lovely, just not for this.

If the gel sounds like a step too far, body-to-body massage is its gentler cousin: the same nakedness and closeness, with warm oil instead of gel and my table instead of the floor.

Your first nuru massage: what to bring

Nothing. Not oil, not a towel, not a spare pair of boxers just in case. I have the mat, the gel, clean towels and a hot shower. Your only jobs are to turn up, shower and accept that you’ll be bad at standing up for a while.

A few things first-timers find useful. Nervous? Nuru is surprisingly kind to nerves, because nobody looks cool on a mat covered in gel, me included. Move slowly when you get up, and let me help; I’ve had a lot more practice. Eat lightly beforehand, because a full stomach and an hour of sliding about on the floor don’t mix. If you have long hair, accept that it will need a wash afterwards. And if you want a taste before committing to a whole hour, Lola Unwrapped closes with twenty minutes on the mat, after a striptease, a sensual massage and body-to-body.

Nuru massage prices and how long to book

Thirty minutes of nuru cost £130, forty-five cost £150 and sixty cost £170. Another thirty minutes on the mat is £50. It costs more than my oil massages because there’s more to it: the gel, the mat, the laundry and a bathroom that needs serious attention once you’ve gone. I’ve written more about what erotic massage costs in London if you’re comparing.

Half an hour of nuru is mostly gel, giggles and a shower. Forty-five gets you well into the slide. For a first nuru massage in London, book the full hour: the best part only begins once you’ve stopped bracing for a fall. Two hours’ notice is usually enough, and the mat is ready for you from 8am until 10pm, every day.